How to Better Connect with the Significant People in Your Life
by Susan Cullen, President
Quantum Learning Solutions, Inc.
How many times have you made these comments or heard your friends say any of the following:
- He never listens to me… He just doesn’t care.
- It’s not supposed to be this difficult. There must be something wrong with this relationship…
- I might as well just FORGET it…. I’ll never get through to (him/her/them)…
If any of these sound familiar, you’re not alone. We have all at certain times felt the loneliness that comes from feeling misunderstood. The sad part is, most of us don’t have the tools to know what’s really going on. And worse yet, we don’t know what to do about it.
Understanding how to communicate effectively with others is a key skill in all business and personal relationships. But it becomes critical in our most significant ones. It’s a shame that so few of us get any real education in this area growing up. We learn reading, writing and arithmetic, but somehow “communication skills” never really fit into the equation. Then we are supposed to go out into the world and create healthy, happy relationships with others, but we are poorly equipped to do so. Just look at the divorce rate to see that we aren’t hitting the mark on that one!
One key challenge to effective communication is that we don’t all think, act, or want the same things. We don’t come with an Operations Manual like a computer does. What infinitely complex human creatures we all are! A communication strategy that worked well with one person may very well yield different responses from someone else.
Different Behavioral Styles
In spite of our unique differences, there is a model of human behavior that can help shed some light on understanding our differences. This understanding can help us anticipate with great accuracy how different people will respond in many situations. This is called the DiSC Model of Human Behavior©, researched extensively by Inscape Publishing. This model identifies 4 primary behavioral styles, and is called “DiSC” for the first letter of each style as follows:
- Dominant
- Influencing
- Steadiness
- Conscientiousness
The Dominant (D) Behavioral Style
The primary goal of a person with a Dominant Style (also called the “D” style) is that they want to get results. They tend to cause action, accept challenges, make quick decisions, and question the status quo. They will quickly take control if they sense a problem exists and try to solve it… many times before they’ve fully understood what the problem really is (know anyone like this?) They’re fast paced and very direct. They tell it like it is, and are real straight-shooters. They will also admit it when they make a mistake IF they believe they really did. They try to solve it and move on to the next challenge.
If your significant other demonstrates the “D” behavioral tendency, here are some tips for best connecting with him or her:
- Be direct and to the point
- Tell them what you really think or feel, instead of wasting time getting to the point
- Be fast-paced in your tempo
- Communicate the big picture, without a lot of details
- Understand that their nature is to be direct. This is not meant to be antagonistic… it’s just their natural approach to communication. The best way they will really hear you is for you to be direct yourself.
- Ask for what you want from them, with specific, clear actions they can take. Don’t show a lot of emotion, just clearly state your objectives.
The Influencing (I) Behavioral Style
The primary goal of the Influencing (“I”) style is to be liked by others. They are the “people-people” who are frequently very animated and expressive. They can talk to anyone anywhere. They are motivating, upbeat, optimistic individuals who like to praise others (and secretly hope you will do the same for them!). They are the best “talkers”, who can easily champion a cause and influence others to follow their ideas because they are so charming. Because they are so people-oriented, they can occasionally lose track of necessary details… you may have to follow-up to make sure the phone bill was paid (oops).
If your significant other demonstrates the “I” behavioral tendency, here are some tips that will help you connect with him or her:
- Be animated and upbeat
- Give yourselves lots of time to “talk things through”
- Show and express your emotions… uh, the positive ones are preferred
- Praise them frequently and often. Look for ANY situation even remotely praiseworthy and they will love it.
- Make them feel you approve of them and like them, even when you need to ask them to do something differently
- Know that they may appear to be scattered at time, unfocused, and not paying attention to details. You may need to be the partner to pick up the slack here. Just know this is their nature, and not intentional.
The Steadiness (“S”) Behavioral Style
The primary goal of the Steadiness (“S”) behavioral style is to maintain harmony and peace. They want to keep things steady and consistent. They are also people oriented like the I style, but demonstrate a more low-key approach. If the “I” style is the best talker, the “S” style is the best listener. You can always count on them to come through for you, and to be dependable. In fact, they are motivated by a desire to be of service and help others. They are very uncomfortable with conflict, and so will naturally shy away from it. They may not always be direct with their thoughts and feelings because of this.
If your significant other demonstrates the “S” behavioral tendency, you can best build a bridge to them by:
- Approaching them in an even, steady manner
- Be consistent in your expectations and goal-setting, without a lot of sudden stops and starts that don’t seem to be planned
- Let them know you can count on them. Be dependable and do what you say you will.
- When you praise them, do so in a more private, low-key way. They don’t need a lot of public fanfare in front of friends and family.
- Don’t demonstrate your anger with them in a direct, openly-hostile way. Because they are uncomfortable with conflict, this will tend to shut them down. They will bury their head in the sand or look for the closest window to jump out of.
- Know that when conflicts do occur, you may need to find a way to make them feel comfortable for you to reach a resolution. They will naturally want to avoid confrontation which may make it difficult for you to discuss things.
The Conscientiousness (“C”) Behavioral Style
The primary goal of the Conscientiousness (“C”) behavioral style is to be correct and accurate. They want to do things the “right way”, and will place exceedingly high expectations on themselves to do so. They are very detail-oriented and analytical, and will ask questions that many other people wouldn’t even think of. If your significant other demonstrates the C behavioral style, know that when they ask a lot of questions of you, they are not challenging you… they just need information to help them make correct decisions or develop correct perceptions.
If your significant other demonstrates the C behavioral style tendency, you can best build a bridge to them by:
- Focusing on details
- Provide as much information as they need
- Speak in a low-key, objective (not emotional) manner
- Value their attention to detail and accuracy
- Don’t rush them to make decisions. They will need time to make the correct one. Set time limits when necessary though.
- Explain “why” something is important.
We Can All Demonstrate Each Style
You may have recognized more than one common tendency you or your significant other use most frequently. Many people will find they use 2 behavioral styles on a consistent basis. In actuality, we can each demonstrate each style, but may have one or two we are most comfortable with. They key is to know your own style, that of the other person, and then learn to adapt your approach to be most effective with the person you are communicating.
The Platinum Rule
You may have realized that there is a common theme in the suggestions given for building a communication bridge to your significant other. It is basically for you to communicate in a way that best matches their preferred style of behavior. We best describe this as the Platinum Rule, which provides a twist to the trusted Golden Rule. The Platinum Word Creed:
Do unto others as THEY would have you do unto them.
A good analogy is to imagine you are going to a foreign country where they do not speak English. It is easy to understand that if you adjusted your approach to speak THEIR language in their country, instead of expecting them to speak yours, you would significantly build a communication bridge to them where perhaps none would have appeared before. Speaking the language of behavioral styles is very similar in concept. You never give up your native tongue (i.e. your preferred style), but the better able you are to adjust, or be multi-lingual so to speak, the stronger a communication bridge you will build.
And the stronger the bridge to communication, the more effective, harmonious and fulfilling your relationships will be.
Susan Cullen is President of Quantum Learning Solutions, Inc., with offices in Yardley, Pennsylvania and Chicago, Illinois. She can be reach at 800-683-0681 or through the website: www.quantumlearn.com
